Couldn’t make it to the 2004 Olympics in Athens, Greece? Wish you could experience the thrill of the games, the athletes, the unity and the city? Well now you can with this at-home, do-it-yourself Olympic Transportation Kit! With this new kit, you too can feel like you are really headed for your first Olympic event!
Materials needed:
200 people – at least! The more the merrier! Make sure that these people have all spent a minimum of 30 minutes walking outside in the 95 degree heat before entering the tram. For maximum effect, represent at least 40 different countries (and smells!) in this group of people to ensure that none of them would be able to communicate to one another.
Signs - Print all signs in Greek for maximum effect. Pass out fliers and call them “guides”. Translate all of the Greek names for locations into English on these “guides”, but – and this is important – from here on out, make sure that every time you print an English translation of the same Greek location names, you spell it different, or – even better – translate it into a completely different word. Also, leave most of the tram stops off of the “guide”.
Directions:
Combine all ingredients in the tram and bake at 100 degrees for three stops. At subsequent stops add even more people to the tram until every one is at least touching 3 other people while standing. Have poles hanging from the ceiling for stability, so that everyone, while grabbing the above poles, must have at least one armpit open to the air. The smell at this point should be thick, but not yet inescapable.
Now have the tram stop and feign a mechanical error. Make the stop last at least 10 minutes and do not open the doors. At this point look up and you’ll notice sweat dripping down your forearms. Soon you will feel the sweat of the Spanish woman next to you drop onto your left foot. By now the smell should be thick, heavy and warm. It should smell strongly of a poorly-run puppy store and vaguelly of vinegar.
At this point, you’ll start to feel claustraphobic, and you will want to kill someone, preferably the person that made the tram stop. Have no fear though, because this anger will soon subside and change into a feeling of anxious dispair. Instead of wanting to kill someone, you will now wish that, instead, someone would kill you and put you out of your misery. The Spanish woman’s sweat should drop onto your foot again, and the pungent smell of the tram should now smell like a humid horsefarm. The tram is still stopped, and the doors have not opened. You, yourself, should be sweating perfusely by now, preferably onto the people around you as a sort of retaliation for the Spanish sweat that is now slowly creeping between your toes. Make sure the air is not working, the windows do not open, and the doors are broken and locked shut.
Continue this for a few more moments, including the 100 degree heat. Have a baby behind you start to wail. You notice your shirt is soaked with sweat and you can now feel your own sweat dripping down your back and legs. The sun and heat should be beating down on you, even though you are inside.
Now it’s ok to make the tram start moving again. Try to get off at the next stop, but make sure that more people come on – so many that you are unable to leave the tram yourself.
Travel three more stops and finally fight your way though the wet bodies and throw yourself out the door.
Congratulations! Your have arrived at the stadium for your Olympic event! Enjoy!
And take a taxi next time.
David J. Hahn
David J. Hahn is a Broadway conductor and keyboard player. He co-founded MusicianWages.com with Cameron Mizell in 2008. Visit his new project, Songwriter.fm and sign up for his songwriting newsletter.
