Army Gigs – The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Recently I played the Imatra Jazz Festival in Finland. The Nato Jazz Orchestra (which I am a proud member of) opened for McCoy Tyner and Joe Lovano. McCoy and I even played on the same piano, although it sounded quite different, and infinitely better when he sat down behind it.

It was a blast, we played mostly original arrangements and compositions by guys in the band, and a few well-known standards. The crowd was enthusiastic, the beer was flowing and the vibe was amazing… And Then McCoy and Joe came out!!

All in all a pretty sweet gig.

Since my mission here is to share information about this mysterious job of mine, I thought I would write about some of the various gigs I’ve had over the years.

THE GOOD

1. I’ve never been much of a sports fan, but playing in front of several thousand screaming NASCAR fans is pretty amazing. I was part of a rock band that was the pre-race entertainment for the Daytona 500. We did a 40 minute show right behind the starting line. The setlist included Kid Rock, Lynyrd Skynyrd and other classic rock and country hits. I took a couple screaming organ solos while my gyrating buddy banged his gigantic cowbell… right by my ear. The crowd ate it up, cheered and sang along. Scantily clad women danced in front of us. We were on the Jumbotron!

The sweetest part however, was when we arrived to set up, long before the race began, they drove the band guys around the track in the pace car – at 140 miles an hour!

2. The Ft. Knox Jazz Combo “The Groove Center of Excellence” was picked to do several college recruiting tours. We would travel to the schools, play some music, answer some questions about the Army Band and then go drink beer. It was awesome. We met lots of cool people, played some great music, and got good and lost in Wisconsin (although that was the fault of our roadie/hand-out-the-pamphlets guy. He said “Hey guys, take me along; I know Wisconsin like the back of my hand, I was raised there.”)

We were getting paid to go on the road for a week, search out BBQ joints and earn vacation days all at the same time. Not too shabby.

3. A Jazz Combo I was running had the pleasure of backing up Don Braden for a night. He had came to the unit to do clinics with our big band the following day, but that night we played. It was a romantic little italian restaurant on post (which is very unusual- the average Army eatery is Burger King), and we were “Jazz Night”. Don was amazing. We played some of his originals, some of mine, plus a couple well known classics. It was quite a rush to be backing up someone of that caliber. The Band stepped up to the plate, and I think our Sax player even gave him a run for his money on a couple tunes.

4. Iraq. Our Rock Band “Average Joe’s” rolled into a camp in dire straights. They had just lost a couple soldiers and the weight of this hung over the small compound like a dark cloud. Nobody joked or smiled, people were just going through the motions, numb.

We set up in a hanger/garage. They came, and we rocked. We rocked hard. They screamed and shouted. System of a Down, Audioslave, fast, hard and angry. The temperature rose. Dudes were hanging from the rafters, shot gunning near-beers. A shirtless mass moshed in front of the stage. It was bordering on chaos. It was necessary, and it was cathartic. It was what we get paid for. We brought those guys (and girls) a taste of home and an escape from reality.

Laying in my cot at the end of the night, sweaty and exhausted, I felt a great sense of pride and purpose. I never got that from playing “Satin Doll” for the Wednesday dinner crowd at the Holiday Inn.

THE BAD

1. Change of Command Season. The dead of summer. Oppressively hot and sticky. Standing in Marching Band Formation on the parade field at 10am. The Bass Drum (one of my instruments during marching gigs) seems to grow heavier by the minute. Beads of sweat roll down my back and legs, collecting in my socks. I try to remain conscious as the barely audible speeches blur together. Stand perfectly still for 45 minutes, waiting for the end when we can march off playing the Army song.

Then we do it again. Hotter, longer, and duller. My Helmet and boots seem to intensify the midday sun, baking me into the ground. Wriggle your toes, ignore the black spots, scan the crowd for good looking women. You will not pass out.

Grab a quick lunch, pound gatorade in a sad attempt to replace the fluids I’ve lost… and do it one. more. time. Groan.

2. Playing solo piano dinner music before the stage band comes out. One hour turns into three. I’m recycling the same tunes in different keys with new grooves. Swing becomes bossa, ballads become funk, many extended one chord vamps. Finally, the dinner crowd takes a 15 minute break before the stage band show. I rush to the dressing room to wolf down my surely ice-cold dinner. The Band is lounging around waiting to take the stage. I see no food.

Me, hungry and irritable – “You guys see my food?”

The Band – “Oooooh, that was yours? Sorry dude.”

Me – Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Then back on stage for another hour and a half set with the Big Band. I am not a happy camper.

3. Fairbanks, Alaska. The forty piece Concert band is downtown in the central square. We’ve worked up a great summer program and have pulled out all the stops. Chimes, Tympani, minimum 2 hour set up.

Downbeat’s at 8pm. I scan the audience. About ten Band family members, and several inebriated winos mumbling to themselves. On two occasions during the show, we actually have to chase the winos off the stage (I guess they were feeling musical). The crowd never grows. Ah, the life of a rock star.

THE UGLY (or Bizarre)

1. Tikrit, Iraq. USO tour is coming through the camp. I’m backing up some traveling singers from the Army Chorus. We do our tunes, no big deal. Al Franken comes on, does his bit. Very funny. He introduces two exotic looking women covered head-to-toe in black burqas. The crowd goes wild. Most of the Soldiers are here to see the Washington Redskins Cheerleaders. This looks to be them.

The boom box starts pumping. The girls start dancing. The box dies. Al Franken messes with it. Boom boom boom boom, they start to dance again, the crowd cheers, the box dies. My boss looks over and motions toward the piano. I was not planning a solo techno piano gig, besides, I wanted to watch the dance too. Another start and stop. Al tries to make a few jokes, the crowd is starting to boil over. Nobody even notices me heading towards the keyboard at the back right of the stage. I start hammering out ‘Boom boom boom boom’ with my left hand. The girls start to dance. I crank out a few techno-ish patterns with my right hand, craning my neck to watch as the burqas come off ( I HAD been over there about 7 months at this point). The Redskins Cheerleaders are revealed, the dance ends, and everybody leaves happy.

2. A few years back, I had the honor of playing for then President George W. Bush. He was rolling into Ft. Hood to rally the troops and give a speech on the war. We, the marching band, were playing “Hail to the Chief” and other patriotic numbers before the big speech.

The day before the event we’re doing a dry run and getting briefed by security:

“You’ll arrive at 5am. Go through security, and stay in this here holding area. At 7am you’ll move into the bleachers. Entertainment will begin at 8am, that’s not you guys, a band is coming up from Crawford to play. On or around 10am the President will arrive. Now you guys play for 10 minutes. President’s speech. Speech is over. You guys play as the President leaves. You guys play another song and the show ends. Any questions?”

Random Band member – “Should we bring something to eat?”

Security – “no need, a breakfast bar is being provided.”

This had all of us quite excited – visions of hot waffles, fresh squeezed juice and custom made omelets running through our heads. I started to salivate.

The next morning we’re there at 4am. This is the Army, if you’re on time you’re running late. The burrito trucks have parked near security hoping to make a few quick bucks. Several of the guys buy egg sandwiches or coffee. But not me. I’m holding out for the Breakfast Bar!

We go through security and into the holding area. I can taste almost taste the waffles.

Security – “it’s 7am, we’re going to move you into the bleachers. When you pass through this gate you’ll get a small american flag for waving, and the breakfast bar. They come in two flavors, cherry or blueberry. DO NOT take more than one.”

And so it goes….

Thanks for reading – please feel free to ask me any questions you may have, or let me know if there’s a specific topic or idea you’d like me to blog about.