Dating a Musician Gets a Bad Rap
A recent rash of media coverage on musician love was punctuated this week with a report that Mel Gibson’s divorce was not influenced by his relationship with pianist Oksana Kolesnikova. Seriously. Not influenced. Promise.
The Nashville News wouldn’t be surprised if he was, though. A recent article titled “The highs—and oh so many lows—of dating a musician” discusses, at length, what you might expect. If you think there is going to be a silver lining in this article, bare in mind that this comes only 6 paragraphs in (ouch):
Craig claims she supported Lawrence financially for the last eight years. He’d agreed to split future music income with her as repayment for investing in his career, she asserts. But when Lawrence started to make bank—enough to purchase a nearly $400,000 home—he put the house in his name only. The couple headed for Splitsville, and Craig headed to court.
The Indianapolis Star also ran a story this week about classical musicians that are married to each other. That article is almost entirely positive, and has some great insights to the benefits of having a partner that understands the quirks and odd schedule of a musician career.
For a ridiculously unqualified, comical, angry and cynical view of how to date a musician, read this article at eHow.com titled How to Date a Musician. Don’t skip #8: Understand that musicians run hot on passion, and cold on responsibility.
How harsh is that?
When you start to look into what people are saying about dating musicians you start to find some really ridiculous stuff.
Check out this article on grrl.com titled, simply and painfully, “he loves his amp more.” Actually, don’t check it out, I’ll give you a synopsis:
Getting collect calls at 3am on a regular basis from a boyfriend on tour who’s asking to be talked out of suicide, does not count as foreplay.
…and…
Heroin use is not cool. He may think it’s neat because all his band heroes do it. But unless you want to hold his head while he vomits nonstop or wake up next to a corpse – stick with the fella whose only vices are coffee and cigarettes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, people – what?! Who are these musicians you’re talking about? Did you date Michael Hutchence? You are clearly not talking about my musician friends. I don’t know the musicians you’re talking about.
The musicians I know are professional and intelligent. They have spent so many years in school that they should be legally licensed to practice medicine. They play gigs, teach in studios and work more than they sleep. They also love, date, marry, have kids, buy houses and walk around like normal people.
I think that when grrl.com says “musician” they actually mean to say “drug addict.” Can we please start making that distinction? If a girl dates a guy that ends up being a manic, heroine-laden, social disaster – I would prefer it if we could blame it on that particular guy, not on the fact that he’s a musician.
More questionable advice, this time from Associated Content.com:
In my own extensive experience, drummers tend to be the most reliable and even-tempered breed. This probably has to do with the fact that most rock star egos want to shine out front and drummers are stuck in the back, keeping the beat, creating the flow. Bassists also are generally laid back. Keep in mind, however, they are still musicians.
Two things:
- Tommy Lee is a drummer. …ahem…
- That’s ridiculous.
If you ask me, the only worthwhile article in the bunch is from the Indianapolis paper – with kudos to the Nashville Star for at least being thorough in their musician-lashing.
Musicians get a bad rap, and it comes from the kind of generalizing that a lot of these links are soaked in. The arts industry attracts a motley crew, there’s no doubt about that. But when somebody finds a bad apple in the bunch – blame the apple, not the tree.
About the author
wow, where do they find the info for their articles? I read all of them and it’s actually depressing to see the views people have about “musicians”. Could MusicianWages do a counter article interviewing REAL musicians as opposed to drug addicts and 20 year old rock guitarists living in their mom’s basement and playing in a band till their school loan overage check runs out? I especially had a problem with the Nashville News article – definitely left a scathing comment. I agree wholeheartedly with you dave, that the musicians I know spend more time than doctors on their craft and are healthly, happy, financially stable individuals who are more than able to have a long term relationship. Maybe even more able than most b/c they’ve already had one (currently on-going) longterm relationship in their life – music. thanks for the article dave, i didn’t realize quite the rap we had beyond our social groups.
4/20/2009
Not all musicians are created equally. Here’s an example:
My brother recently visited NYC and stayed with me and my wife. Two guys traveled with him to help split the cost of gas. Both were in a band together, and they were trying to “shop around” their demo. To quote one of them before going to meet an A&R guy, “I’ll sign anything he puts in front of me.”
For starters, these guys screwed up their hotel reservations had to crash in my tiny apartment the first night. My apartment has basically two rooms–a bedroom, and a larger room we split into dining room, family room, and office.
As I sat in the office practicing guitar, my wife and brother were at the dining room table reading, and our guests were between us, in the family room, flipping back and forth between about 4 reality TV shows.
After they left the next day, my wife said to me:
“So THAT’S the kind of musician your parents don’t want you to date.”
4/20/2009
Wow, I can’t believe eHow has an article on dating a musician. The Associated Content piece is pretty hilarious as well. “Bassists also are generally laid back….”
Comedy gold.
4/20/2009
OUCH!!!!
Okay, no one ever said that dating a musician was easy, but sheesh!!!! For the record, dating police officers, lawyers, and doctors are also high-risk divorce prospects, even more so in many ways.
Musicians are sensitive, sexy, and passionate, which is very attractive. Some musicians are not the most responsible (or wealthy), I understand that too. But we can’t allow generalizations to affect our dating choices. Every potential dating partner should be judged on his or her personal qualities, as well as the situation.
I will offer one musician dating tip though, that I’ve learned the hard way over the years (IGNORE AT YOUR OWN RISK! ;-) If you’re a musician in a band, do not date another person in the band. If you’re thinking long-term/live together/marriage, think long and hard about it and perhaps NOT EVEN THEN!! If you break up, it will affect the band, and your ability to remain in it. If you’re playing together for a paid gig, it WILL affect your income. The success of bands like Fleetwood Mac and No Doubt (both known for band hookups and breakups) are the exception, NOT the rule!
One cautionary tale…While on tour, a long-time background singer for an international Top 10 artist began a relationship with the tour’s manager. Tour hookups are easy when you spend months on end with the same people – it’s another kind of “office romance”. The artist was popular and everyone on tour made significant income. After the couple broke up, the tour manager eventually dated and married someone else (a non-musician, if you care). The next time the artist went on tour, the tour manager hired another backup singer, and the original backup singer had to start over and find a new gig.
So Lovers, have fun with your musician paramours, but keep your eyes OPEN!!!
Carla
4/20/2009
I don’t know – you guys must run with a classier crowd. I agree with what you’re saying, that loads of professional musicians maintain healthy, balanced lives, but I think the occupation attracts more than its share of miscreants.
In any case, as a working musician, it’s hard to maintain a relationship with someone who works a 9 to 5 job, with regular meal times and all the expectations that come along with it. My experience has been that there are a lot of people working in the arts that put their personal problems on ice, and when you mix that with the simple fact that musicians spend so much time at bars around people they don’t know who are eager to party, relationships can get messy fast.
On the more professional side of the industry though, the job probably introduces many of the same pitfalls as other time-intensive occupations, like doctors and lawyers, like you mention. Music – practice, performance, tours, composition, and study – takes a tremendous amount of time, and that can be very hard on any relationship, probably as hard as 18 hour surgeon shifts, only with fewer zeros on the paycheck.
The people in those articles sound like jerks. Don’t date them. If you like their music, listen to them, buy tickets to their shows, learn their songs, but don’t expect them to be good life partners. And it’s very, very difficult to find that balance in a relationship with a drug addict, musician or not.
4/20/2009
And how can we forget those Sex and the City episodes when Carrie dated the jazz musician (Ray King)? Here are some excepts from the official synopsis:
“At drinks with the girls, Carrie announces that she has had a “mind-blowing” orgasm with Ray. She confides that she usually doesn’t experience that kind of orgasm with someone she doesn’t love. She wonders: “How much of sex is the connection?”… Carrie tries to bring her relationship with Ray up to speed with the sex, but whenever she tries to talk with Ray, he can’t seem to focus on anything other than his music, or getting her into bed. She decides that she is going to have to hold out for both: the mind-blowing sex AND the relationship.”
http://www.tbs.com/stories/story/0,,15549,00.html
The message: musicians are great lovers but when looking for long term, go for the rich guy (Mr. Big).
4/20/2009
This article underscores the point fairly effectively: Discrimination, whether based on Sex, race, religion or, in this example: vocation… is a bi-product of ignorance.
4/20/2009
This was a really great article, that just so happened to really hit home with me at the moment.
I just got out of a relationship that wasn’t working out because I am a musician for some of the reasons stated in the articles mentioned above. And I even have a day job too! It really is sad how people stereotype musicians from a few of the really retarded, drug addicted idiots.
The thought of the uncertainty that a career in music may or may not bring I guess is too much for some people to handle. But yes being a doctor, lawyer, etc. would most likely lead to more time away overall.
Who knows! Thanks for the article and it is too bad how people associate musicians with this poor image in mind.
4/20/2009
What do you call a musician without a boy/girl friend?
HOMELESS!
4/21/2009
A musician is a drug addict like a writer is a drunk. Stereotyping.
A serious musician is passionate about his job. It would be like marrying a scientist (ref: The Absent Minded Professor); when the call hits, you have to work on it. It will not wait because by tomorrow the thought, the feeling, the inspiration, will be gone. I’ve been known to lose entire weeks.
My wife cringes everytime she comes home and sees me with a guitar in hand – particularly if there’s a notebook sitting in front of me. Sure I can put it off, we’ll just wait and pay bills next month.
4/22/2009
Its false musicians depend upon drugs or alcohol. Think of inspiration in smoke or sniff maybe experimentation for some artists in specific situations like Dada, or free performance or maybe just for pleasure.
I think from situationiste ideology to free jazz to sight reading or whatever, there’s an educational background which definitely makes the strength of professional, experienced musicians so we are talking of repertoire, techniques, gear, cultural purposes, audiences and so on.
I think that being a musician is being an artist and not just a worker. Being an artist involves knowledge not only in music but in a whole canvas of concepts such as aesthetics, history, management and marketing. You have to talk to a lot of people asking you about many things after or before a gig and if you’re drunk maybe there’s not too much chance to pee every five to ten minutes. Depending on external fixes is not always good seen by society and, although every one may feel free to gat or keep his/her own lifestyle, being a musician rather than be a 24 hours a day everybody party, is being musically in shape, disciplined, on time, healthy
and the rest is fun.
4/23/2009
Wow! Yup, there’s definitely some confusion between the terms ‘musician’, ‘deadbeat’ and ‘waster’. Many of the musicians I know are smart businesspeople, and hold down full time jobs and families as well as recording and touring careers. Never mind, I think much of the music industry is used to being misunderstood! Thanks for the amusing read :)
4/23/2009
This may seem harsh to others, but these so-called stereotypes speak some truth. In my lifetime I’ve dated 3 musicians and they were all like this. Especially when it came to mooching. All they ever gave a damn about was smoking pot, playing guitar, and the occasional 3-4 month spurt were they would work at some crappy fast food joint and then take the next 6 months off and depend on me to support them. I remember a couple of times where I had to clean up my apartment after it being trashed from metal head puke parties and not having a single soul help me. I love music and most of my friends are musicians, but I will never date a musician again. What a waste of my time. I want a man with a sense of responsibility and can hold down a 9 to 5 job. Oh, I forgot to mention: GUYS IN DEATH METAL/BLACK METAL BANDS ARE THE WORST! Almost every show I attended I would hear people talking about disgusting things like making jokes about rape and killing children. I’ve never heard such sick disgusting things in my life until I started going to these death metal/black metal shows. Now I’m not saying that every guy in a band is like this, but there is some truth in these articles.
6/11/2009
Melissa, I think you call the guys you were dating musicians because you didn’t want to tell your friends that you were dating a burnout that couldn’t even hold down a job at McDonald’s. Playing in a band doesn’t really make somebody a musician any more than flipping burgers makes them a chef.
6/14/2009
I re-married for the second time. First wife had no problem with me being a teacher and a musician. My second wife married me as a teacher and musician. Now after 5 years (no children) and me at 53, she wants me to quit music to spend more “quality time” with her. As a percussionist I could play 12 to 16 gigs a month if I decided to, but only take 8 to 10. She only makes roughly $19k per year. I make $42 from teaching and about $12K from small performances. The issue it’s not only that she wants to have decent vacations in South America, the Caribbean and Europe (not yet!) but that I am not ready to stop my craft nor the extra income that has more than once saved US from financial burden. She has no woman nor alcohol nor drugs issues with me, she just wants me to gig 4 to 6 times a month. When we did had 3 or 4 off-weeks windows (once or twice in 5 years)we did not do much different from what we do now. She just don’t make friends easily and hates seating by her self if she comes to my gigs. She wanted to understand how music felt so I bought her a guitar…nothing happened. Then a little piano…nothing there neither. She just wants me to stay home, put a bathrobe on with sandals and lay next to her watching TV… I wich I was not an artist but I am and I have tryed to explained to her that her getting in my way to music it’s a death sentence to our marriage, but she do not want a divorce…yet? I do accomodate, as much as possible paying for her to go with girl friends (and many times with me as well) to concerts, movies and restaurants but every so many weeks she starts the Soap Opera of me being in the music. If she made it more money at work I could conciderate slowing even more, but that’s not the case. It was not so easy to find a good decent woman to married but her dependance on me drives me up the wall to the point that i just want for her to leave for me to find some one that can handle my music passion with a realistic perspective. Maybe next year I break both of my wrists and then decide to stop playing.
10/26/2009
I thought this article was interesting. Also I had a hard time not laughing while reading the other articles I think it is just silly some of the ideas that people have about musicians
11/2/2009
Sorry to say that I have to agree with the bad rap and esp with tip #8: musicians run hot on passion and cold on responsibility.
Ex?Bf constantly makes reference to having fun ‘in the moment’.. and yet he expects a fulfilling relationship and me to be a full blown girlfriend who meets his family members and band members and they joke about marriage and being in christmas cards. I can’t deal with that, especially when our actual relationship is more about his music and our sex.
I can relate to Carrie’s story above. The sex is really good but emotionally not up to speed. So I feel so ignored and lonely and used.
He’s not a rockstar, he teaches, and plays the saxophone. He’s not a drug addict or a womanizer. But I feel so lonely. He wants all the benefits of having a girlfriend, but none of the responsibility.
I can be really supportive and sacrifice myself for a lot of things, but not if I get zero assurance that he loves and cares about me.
FML
2/7/2010
I am a former wanna be painter turned architect. I understand the allure of wanting to be in an artistic profession, because I went through it myself. Eventually I realized that I liked my more stable profession just as much as painting and that it gave me a more stable sort of lifestyle that I wanted.
I know plenty of painters and visual artists and musicians that are not burnouts. In fact, I know many many more coke-snivelling lawyers than heroine addicted musicians. The profession might attract a fair share of losers but so do other professions. I don’t find that judging somoene on their profession really makes any sense, especially if that’s what attracted you to them.
However, there is a difference between dating someone you feel you’re compatible with and dating someone because you felt a giddy sense of how cool they were when you were 17. Obviously I don’t think the latter leads to any wonderful results.
8/30/2010
Very well said, ghkadjw.
8/30/2010
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