Comments on: Dating a Musician Gets a Bad Rap

By: Nick Rosaci

Nick Rosaci — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 15:18:11 +0000

Wow. If there were only more like you! :P

You pretty much nailed it. This should be shared!

By: Krh

Krh — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 03:30:53 +0000

I date a classical clarinetist major at a prominent music school…and I can understand why it can be seen as difficult to date a musician. It is difficult, but it’s not all bad. Let me list it out…

Here are the hard things as I’ve come to experience them:
1. They spend late nights practicing…days practicing…pretty much a ton of time practicing, and it
can be hard to see them sometimes
2. They will, and do, love their instrument as much as they’ll love you. To me though, this isn’t that hard. For a musician, their instrument isn’t just something that makes beautiful music, it’s an extension of themselves in every way. If you don’t understand that, it will be hard to understand the effort and time away from you that they put in their instrument.
3. It’s heartbreaking to miss their shows. I have had to miss really amazing performances because I’ll be doing something else instead, and I hate it more than anything.
4. A fair amount of classical musicians have an attitude. (to me this is the most difficult to deal with) I hate to say it, and I’m sure some will deny it, but most classical musicians I have met with will not talk to me, look at me, or include me in conversations (I’ve met plenty who do and are nice people, but the majority do not). They treat me like an outsider with no knowledge or connection to classical music (almost like racism), which is pretty unfair since I can read a tiny bit of music, know what intonation means and can tell when it’s off, and could probably hum out Brahms like it’s nobody’s business…among other things. The feeling of being ignored, judged, and criticized by my boyfriend’s peers has hurt me in the past, but now I just try to smile and not take it personally. You have to remember…there is a sort of “I only care about myself” attitude that they can have.
5. You’re going to have to be the flexible one. Sad but true, a good musician partner will bend for you, but there’s only so much they can do without compromising their career. While it ticks me off sometimes that I have to make some of the sacrifices that I have to, he’s also sacrificing things for me (you don’t always realize it, but even when they decide to take a night off for you, that’s important).
6. Life can be hectic. You’re likely to move around a lot until they settle contently somewhere, which may not happen until they’re in their 40′s-50′s, and no I’m not exaggerating.

Despite all of these things, though, the person I am dating is the most loving, warm, dedicated, and hardworking person I have ever met. I am so proud of him and his accomplishments, and I love listening to him. He puts a beauty in my life that I honestly do not think I would have without him. He supports me in all the ways he can. I know I can count on him, even when I don’t get to see him or wait long nights just to be with him. He is my music.

And if you’re wondering about me…I’m a BSN Nursing major. We are both in our last year of college, and I know how difficult the future could be with the ever-changing life of a musician, but I don’t fear this…in fact, I feel that we can embrace what life throws in our faces, move forward, and conquer the world.

By: CK

CK — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 05:06:08 +0000

Dating a musician (and other artsy types) can definitely be tough. But they’re hard to turn down for a reason! Check out my article on why musicians are one type you shouldn’t pass up: http://tootit.com/2011/10/three-types-to-bring-home-just-not-to-mom/

Thanks!

By: David J. Hahn

David J. Hahn — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 01:20:53 +0000

Very well said, ghkadjw.

By: ghkadjw

ghkadjw — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 15:08:47 +0000

I am a former wanna be painter turned architect. I understand the allure of wanting to be in an artistic profession, because I went through it myself. Eventually I realized that I liked my more stable profession just as much as painting and that it gave me a more stable sort of lifestyle that I wanted.

I know plenty of painters and visual artists and musicians that are not burnouts. In fact, I know many many more coke-snivelling lawyers than heroine addicted musicians. The profession might attract a fair share of losers but so do other professions. I don’t find that judging somoene on their profession really makes any sense, especially if that’s what attracted you to them.

However, there is a difference between dating someone you feel you’re compatible with and dating someone because you felt a giddy sense of how cool they were when you were 17. Obviously I don’t think the latter leads to any wonderful results.

By: Khadijah

Khadijah — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 17:23:06 +0000

Sorry to say that I have to agree with the bad rap and esp with tip #8: musicians run hot on passion and cold on responsibility.

Ex?Bf constantly makes reference to having fun ‘in the moment’.. and yet he expects a fulfilling relationship and me to be a full blown girlfriend who meets his family members and band members and they joke about marriage and being in christmas cards. I can’t deal with that, especially when our actual relationship is more about his music and our sex.

I can relate to Carrie’s story above. The sex is really good but emotionally not up to speed. So I feel so ignored and lonely and used.

He’s not a rockstar, he teaches, and plays the saxophone. He’s not a drug addict or a womanizer. But I feel so lonely. He wants all the benefits of having a girlfriend, but none of the responsibility.
I can be really supportive and sacrifice myself for a lot of things, but not if I get zero assurance that he loves and cares about me.
FML

By: William

William — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 14:29:09 +0000

I thought this article was interesting. Also I had a hard time not laughing while reading the other articles I think it is just silly some of the ideas that people have about musicians

By: Hector Salazar

Hector Salazar — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 22:33:35 +0000

I re-married for the second time. First wife had no problem with me being a teacher and a musician. My second wife married me as a teacher and musician. Now after 5 years (no children) and me at 53, she wants me to quit music to spend more “quality time” with her. As a percussionist I could play 12 to 16 gigs a month if I decided to, but only take 8 to 10. She only makes roughly $19k per year. I make $42 from teaching and about $12K from small performances. The issue it’s not only that she wants to have decent vacations in South America, the Caribbean and Europe (not yet!) but that I am not ready to stop my craft nor the extra income that has more than once saved US from financial burden. She has no woman nor alcohol nor drugs issues with me, she just wants me to gig 4 to 6 times a month. When we did had 3 or 4 off-weeks windows (once or twice in 5 years)we did not do much different from what we do now. She just don’t make friends easily and hates seating by her self if she comes to my gigs. She wanted to understand how music felt so I bought her a guitar…nothing happened. Then a little piano…nothing there neither. She just wants me to stay home, put a bathrobe on with sandals and lay next to her watching TV… I wich I was not an artist but I am and I have tryed to explained to her that her getting in my way to music it’s a death sentence to our marriage, but she do not want a divorce…yet? I do accomodate, as much as possible paying for her to go with girl friends (and many times with me as well) to concerts, movies and restaurants but every so many weeks she starts the Soap Opera of me being in the music. If she made it more money at work I could conciderate slowing even more, but that’s not the case. It was not so easy to find a good decent woman to married but her dependance on me drives me up the wall to the point that i just want for her to leave for me to find some one that can handle my music passion with a realistic perspective. Maybe next year I break both of my wrists and then decide to stop playing.

By: Cameron Mizell

Cameron Mizell — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 14:05:42 +0000

Melissa, I think you call the guys you were dating musicians because you didn’t want to tell your friends that you were dating a burnout that couldn’t even hold down a job at McDonald’s. Playing in a band doesn’t really make somebody a musician any more than flipping burgers makes them a chef.

By: Melissa

Melissa — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 02:52:54 +0000

This may seem harsh to others, but these so-called stereotypes speak some truth. In my lifetime I’ve dated 3 musicians and they were all like this. Especially when it came to mooching. All they ever gave a damn about was smoking pot, playing guitar, and the occasional 3-4 month spurt were they would work at some crappy fast food joint and then take the next 6 months off and depend on me to support them. I remember a couple of times where I had to clean up my apartment after it being trashed from metal head puke parties and not having a single soul help me. I love music and most of my friends are musicians, but I will never date a musician again. What a waste of my time. I want a man with a sense of responsibility and can hold down a 9 to 5 job. Oh, I forgot to mention: GUYS IN DEATH METAL/BLACK METAL BANDS ARE THE WORST! Almost every show I attended I would hear people talking about disgusting things like making jokes about rape and killing children. I’ve never heard such sick disgusting things in my life until I started going to these death metal/black metal shows. Now I’m not saying that every guy in a band is like this, but there is some truth in these articles.